Issue One, Nonfiction

Rules for Gaya

By Tea Preville

GT = Grandma Tea
GAYA = rambunctious, loquacious grandchild – 8 years & aging

Gaya and his family had recently relocated nearby and visits were becoming frequent. The Rules bubbled up after the first few visits from the narrator’s grandchild. These became the ground rules for harmonious living.

GT’s Rule #1 – Close the Toilet Lid.
I charge a toonie to anyone who leaves my toilet lid up.

A Chinese rule in Feng Shui says your money luck will flow down the toilet if the lid is open…great big money-pit is an open toilet…so close the lid and save my money and yours.

Your Great Aunt Sandi─you haven’t met her yet─she works as a nurse, an RN they call her. She tells me that if you flush with a toilet lid up, all your poop and pee fly through the air and land up on your toothbrush.
Do you know a guy called David Suzuki from the TV show The Nature of Things? Well, he agrees with her.
Anyway that is not why I do it…I make money off people with poor memories…they forget I have the rule.

Now you may need to know what some words mean in GT’s world:
David Suzuki = man who learns and teaches about the environment
Feng Shui = Chinese study of energy flow
RN = registered nurse
Registered = has a license

GT’s Rule #2 – Travel with Your Own Water Bottle.

Now I hear you don’t want to drink my tap water because your mother says it is bad for you. There may be some truth to that as I recall city workers fishing a carcass out of the reservoir in the early years. I believe the reservoir has been fenced since then but there very likely could be many minerals in my tap water– even moose poop and bear scat.

So far you have refused tap water and filtered water. You don’t want milk, coconut water or pineapple coconut water. You don’t want tea, coffee or anything else I have to offer, yet you are thirsty for water. I’ve heard of stories of thirsty people in the desert drinking their own urine. I don’t recommend this as you are not in the desert here.

No matter – you don’t want to drink my water and that is fine with me, but you are thirsty for water, so I strongly suggest you get yourself a full water bottle and travel with it at all times.
Carcass = dead animal
Minerals = stuff that builds bodies
Reservoir = where something is stored for later use
Scat = bear poop
Urine = pee

GT’s Rule #3 – Handle GT’s Belongings with Care.

I have a rule similar to stores– you break it you pay for it. The difference here is I get to keep both the money and my broken belongings. Now therein lies the problem. Every time I look at my broken item I unconsciously send a negative thought pattern to you. Now this does two things…it impacts your day upon receipt of this negative thought pattern and immediately upon impacting your day it boomerangs, and hits me between my eyes.

I dislike being hit by my own negative thought patterns, especially between the eyes.

Maybe now you are beginning to see a game plan… The object of the game is to not break anything at GT’s house so she won’t hit you with her negative thoughts.
Boomerangs = comes back
Negative = opposite of positive
Positive = to play nice
Unconsciously = unaware