Derek by Oscar Hunter

Trigger warning: racist characters

The Speeding Ticket

As Derek stood in the road, waiting for the officer to finish writing the ticket, he reflected somberly on his day. If only he had taken the interstate instead of cutting through the countryside on the backroads! Then he wouldn’t have been pulled over by the traffic cops, who were stealthily waiting for someone like Derek to slip up and go 5 over. Really, it was petty and pathetic to give someone a ticket for such a minor infraction. In fact, it was more than petty! It was discriminatory, Derek brooded. Yes, discriminatory and biased. An outrage. You see, Derek was a Cheetah, the fastest land animal in the world. Keeping him cooped up at his 9-5 accounting job five days a week and then expecting him to conform with the pitifully slow speed limits of the backroads was unrealistic and insulting to Derek’s very nature, especially considering he was going to be late for his daughter’s dance recital, having been kept late at work by his boss, Randy. This experience was what first planted the seed in Derek’s head for a C.O.F. a “Cheetah’s Only Freeway”.

Cheetah’s Only Freeway

Later that night, Derek, his wife Candice, and their daughter Tracy were on their way home, with Tracy riding in a harness between her two faster parents. When Derek explained the speeding ticket situation, after apologizing for showing up late to the dance recital, the conversation quickly moved to how Tracy’s dance classes were too slow for her. She had complained to Derek about this problem several weeks ago, and Derek had made a trip to the studio to complain. The other children were mostly pelicans and humans, he had noticed, which already meant a slower environment for a Cheetah. When he had spoken to the dance instructor, a plump rhino with a wide smile who wore a ring of pink flowers around her horn, she had kindly explained to him that in a mixed species class, there would always be some difficulty with the speed. It would not be fair, she had explained, to speed up the dance routine for Tracy when there was a tortoise in the class who was already struggling to keep up. She had then repeated the motto of their hometown, Savannah City, North Carolina: “Compromise makes harmony”. Derek understood the sentiment but had suggested that she at least incorporate some special warmups for Tracy to blow off steam. The Rhino had seemed reluctant, since Tracy was “more than capable of warming up on her own time,” but she had vaguely implied that she would make accommodations. Now, as Tracy complained to Derek again, it became clear that no such accommodations had been made. With his resolve to make a positive change for Cheetahs hardened, Derek broached his idea of a Cheetah’s Only Freeway (COF) to his family. Candice was hesitant at first, but as Derek reminded her how many speeding tickets all of their Cheetah friends incurred on an annual basis, she conceded that perhaps something needed to be done. By now the family had arrived home and once Tracy had been put to bed, Derek and Candice began typing up the details of a COF. Several hours of hard work and a run around the neighbourhood later, the plan was ready. Derek submitted it to the Savannah City Cheetahs Facebook page and the couple went to bed, exhausted but happy.

The following morning, as Derek was getting dressed for work in his suit and tie, Candice called him into the office room, where she eagerly pointed out that over 600 local Cheetahs had left comments on their post about the COF, almost all positive! The couple proudly browsed through the comments, responding to questions and encouraging further discussion, but after a few minutes it was time for Derek to go to work, so he kissed Candace goodbye and set off running down his (for now) mixed-species route towards his accounting job downtown.

The Office

“Y’know Derek, I know you mean well, but I just don’t think it’s practical,” moaned a concerned human colleague.

“I agree. Think how much money it would cost!” Derek’s desk partner Perry the Pelican chimed in.

“And at the expense of all animals’ taxes, too,” continued the human, a red haired, gangly woman with freckles named Miranda. Derek, who had been emboldened by the positive feedback in his community, had casually posed the idea of a Cheetahs Only Freeway to his work friends, but they didn’t seem to be taking it as he’d hoped. Defensively, he pointed out that a canal had been constructed for the dolphin population at taxpayers’ expense. A COF would not be dissimilar to that. It was at this moment that his boss, Randy, lumbered into the staff room in time to hear the tail end of Derek’s rebuttal. The well-dressed Rhino bellowed with good natured laughter. “A Cheetahs Only Highway indeed!” He exclaimed.

“Freeway,” Derek corrected, meekly, as his colleagues joined in with Randy’s laughter. 

Shelly Woolworth, a sheep secretary, wandered over from the fridge to deliver a plate of her homemade muffins, and to further humiliate Derek. “You know Derek, there’s really no comparison between Cheetahs and dolphins in this case,” she stated silkily. “Dolphins HAVE to have a canal in order to move around the city. Cheetahs don’t NEED to have a special freeway. They just need to get used to slowing down a little bit. You know, enjoying the scenery!” Randy and the others burst out laughing again, clamoring to affirm the words of the popular baker as they chowed down on her muffins. Derek listened to them as they encouraged him to take life slower and tried to replicate Shelly’s cool, good-natured smirk as he agreed with them, trying to pass off his idea as a silly joke. Eventually, lunchtime was over and Randy sent Derek back to his desk, where he sullenly analyzed the latest set of financial records, brooding over his lunchtime embarrassment until it was time to head home.

As he made his way through the lobby, Perry the Pelican, who had noticed Derek’s downcast mood, offered to take him for a drink in the small restaurant next door. The two old friends began by discussing trivial matters – Perry’s recent promotion, Tracy’s recent desire for a pet spider monkey, and the recent addition of Badgers into society. Until they had finished their drinks, Perry did not mention the Cheetah’s Only Freeway, sensing it was a touchy subject. As they were parting ways, however, he tried to be helpful by suggesting that if Cheetah’s wanted a freeway of their own, perhaps they could fund it privately. Derek brusquely retorted that the project would be far too expensive for just 3% of the population to cover and left the building, but as he was running home, he thought more about Perry’s suggestion and suddenly remembered an ad he’d seen on a billboard last week. He made a quick detour through the city centre, and there it was, in large, brown and yellow letters resembling the colour of a cheetah’s coat: “Cheetahs’ Pride and Support Group. All Cheetahs Welcome. Wednesdays and Saturdays 6 PM – 9 PM. Cheetah Community Hall, 1020 Acacia Avenue.”

Cheetahs Only

It was an overcast Wednesday evening and Derek had been kept late at work again, this time until almost 6 PM. He did not want to be late to the Cheetahs gathering, but he took special care to stay within the speed limit. After all, with any luck, he wouldn’t have to for much longer. When Derek reached the Cheetah Community Hall at 1020 Acacia Avenue, he checked his watch and cursed Randy under his breath. It was almost 6:30 and this would be his first time attending the Cheetah’s Pride and Support Group meeting. Derek felt that Perry was also to blame, having been slow and sloppy with the work, forcing both of them to stay even later, which Perry didn’t seem to mind since he had no commitments after work. Most Pelicans didn’t, Derek ruminated. When Derek quietly made his way into the hall, he was greeted at once by an older, muscular Cheetah with sharp black spots, a confident smile, and a greying muzzle. He would have been remarkably tall, but, to Derek’s surprise, he was standing on all fours! Other than while travelling, Derek hadn’t seen a Cheetah do that in a public place since he was a cub, but as he looked around, he was delighted to see that almost everyone here was standing the old way. 

“Hey there big guy! My name’s Terry,” said the impressive Cheetah.

“Pleasure to meet you sir,” Derek responded. “My apologies for being late, it’s my boss Randy-” Terry cut him off.

“Let me guess, a RHINO!”

“Well, yes! How did you know?”

“Lucky guess. Most bosses are Rhinos in my experience.”

“Or Bulls, or Humans,” another well-built Cheetah chimed in.

“Ah, same thing!” Retorted Terry. The other Cheetahs laughed. Derek suddenly realized that everyone nearby had stopped what they were doing, and felt self-conscious to have disturbed the meeting. He apologized to Terry and the other Cheetah who had joined the conversation, whose name was Allen, but they told him not to worry. 

“C’mon, new guy, we’ll show you around! Everyone’s an ally here,” promised Allen. As they wandered through the hall, it became apparent that these events were fairly unstructured and that the Cheetahs mostly just came here to hang out. They played pool, drank at the bar, or watched Cheetahball games on TV. Derek estimated at least 30 Cheetahs in the main room, nearly all of them male. But Terry and Allen soon revealed that this was only one part of the Cheetah Community Hall. There were exclusive rooms off to the side where other, special activities took place. When Derek asked what went on back there, Allen’s response was a curt “Curiosity killed the cat”. Immediately, Terry jumped in and reassured Derek that he would be allowed to participate in the other activities soon enough. For now, he insisted, the three of them would grab a drink and get to know each other better. As soon as he had sat down and introduced himself, Derek blurted out his idea for a Cheetah’s Only Freeway, suddenly nervous and wanting to get to the point. Although he felt at home surrounded by Cheetahs, he was also somewhat intimidated by this crowd. The eastside Cheetah pack was the biggest and most well established in the city, and Derek, being from the northside, was not used to being in a strictly Cheetahs-only space. But his anxiety was soon eased by his new friends’ enthusiastic reactions.

“You know, it’s about time we Cheetahs got something just for us,” declared Terry. “All those other animals are allowed to act just how they want, but we have to slow down just to fit in! It’s ridiculous.”

Meanwhile, Allen, Terry’s younger and more austere counterpart, was ready to talk strategy. “Alright, Derek,” he began. “The three of us will head over to Ross’s office and fill him in. He’s the head guy around here. Terry and I run the place and organize events, but Ross is in charge of funding,” he explained. “ Ross has connections on the City Council, so he might be able to get them to fund it with tax dollars, and if not, we’ll have to just settle for a building permit and raise the money ourselves.” 

This was exactly what Derek had been hoping for; opening up the conversation for funding, and perhaps more importantly, gaining some allies to help with the logistical side of things. Within an hour, Derek had finished his drink, shaken hands with Ross, met several other prominent members of the Cheetah club, and received phone numbers and pats on the back on his way out. Whether Randy and the others liked it or not, Derek’s idea was getting serious traction!

The Interview

It was Saturday morning, five days after the speeding ticket, and Derek was about to be interviewed on the COF project. After his visit to the Cheetah Club he had run home, riding the high of his new friends’ support. Since then, whenever he wasn’t at work or filling Candace in on the new developments, he was furiously corresponding with Ross, Allen, and Terry, formulating a specific plan for the COF and setting up today’s interview, the goal of which was to give the COF project recognition and credibility before officially requesting funding from City Council. As Derek stepped up to the mic, he was taken aback by how quickly things were moving, but thrilled to continue playing his part in the betterment of Cheetah society. The interviewer was a short, black-haired woman with a plump face and calculating eyes. Bella Barnacle was one of the most influential and experienced journalists in Savannah City, if not the whole of North Carolina, and an interview with her could make or break the chances of securing government funding for the COF. When the cameras started rolling, Derek became nervous, his answers to the initial questions seeming either too stunted, or too rambling. As the interview went on, however, he got his bearings and was able to tell the audience a little bit about himself; Tracy and Candace, his accounting job, how his parents had moved into society when he was a young cub. 

Unfortunately, Bella Barnacle was known for asking tricky questions, putting the interviewee on the spot and at risk of looking bad. Her scrutiny was what made her popular and credible, but it proved disadvantageous for Derek. After asking him what species his boss and fellow employees were, she pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes when Derek referred to Randy as a horned gentleman, a term he thought was perfectly respectful and accurate. She also seemed skeptical about the societal benefits of the COF, as a flustered Derek tried to explain that it would mean less traffic and improved safety for all commuters. But then came the real kicker.

“Derek, would you say that other species, such as Pelicans or Rhinos, are responsible for the supposed mistreatment of Cheetahs in society?”

“Hey now,” said Derek. “I don’t think I exactly said we were mistreated; we just have to put up with a lot. Randy really means well, and he’s a Rhino. And I certainly don’t have anything against Pelicans! One of my best friends, Perry, is a Pelican. Never met a better fisherman in all my days!”

“Fisherman,” repeated Bella Barnacle, locking her sharp eyes onto Derek. After a pause, she looked down at her notes. “I see,” she said, disapprovingly.

She then continued with questions about funding. Derek did his best to explain why the COF was worthy of being funded by the government, but the interview was hastily wrapped up before he had a chance to properly regain his composure. When everything was finished, Derek stepped away from the stage and met Candace, who gave him a kiss and told him he did a good job. He explained to her once they got home that although he was proud of himself, some of the questions had rattled him and he feared his answers had been taken the wrong way.

“Perry really IS a good fisherman,” he lamented. “It wasn’t supposed to come across as rude or anything, and I didn’t just say that cause he’s a Pelican. It was just a compliment.”

“I know, honey, I’m sure it will be fine. There are plenty of sensible people out there who I’m sure will know you didn’t mean anything by it.”

“I hope so,” responded an unconvinced Derek.

Hunting

Two days later, after a mundane Monday at work, Derek sped over to the Cheetah Community Hall. Ross had called him that morning asking him to come in and talk about the latest developments on the COF situation. Allen and Terry would be there too, but nobody else. When he entered the hall, the three of them were sitting at a table, grimly sipping on huge pints of beer. Derek asked for the new developments, anxious to see what was wrong, and Ross informed him that even with all the strings he had pulled, the city had denied funding for the COF. It would have to be an entirely private endeavor. Derek’s heart sank as he remembered his less than successful interview, but Terry was quick to reassure him. “Don’t worry buddy. It’s those Rhinos and Humans and the other council members that demonize us. Especially that Bella Barnacle woman, the pinnacle of all of it. You know where she got her last name, don’t you?”

“No, I don’t believe I do,” responded Derek.

“Her husband is a Barnacle!” Terry exclaimed. “Crazy stuff, really, a Human with a Barnacle. So as you can imagine, she’s pretty against anything that’s made specifically for us. Just totally into all this species mixing bullshit. Of course, we can be friends with other animals to an extent, but there are limits,” he declared. Derek found himself nodding in emphatic agreement.

“All this to say, it’s not your fault or ours that the funding got denied. We shall find another way,” Allen concluded.

“You’ll be pleased to know,” said Ross, “that I have a close friend in the urban planning department who would be able to give us a building permit. He’s a Jaguar, but he has just as much grievance with the other animals as we do, and I’m sure he’ll be willing to cooperate. We’ll just have to raise the money ourselves.”

He then began to explain his private funding campaign, which would ask for rich Cheetah donors, many of whom attended the club, to donate to the cause. “We’ve done it before,” he assured the others. “I imagine that with a cause as good as this, we’ll have the money together in no time.”

Perhaps Derek had been wrong about 3% of the population being unable to afford the construction costs. Eventually, as they were about to go home for the evening, Derek’s three new friends decided it was time to show him the private rooms at the back of the club. One was just Ross’s office, another a fancy cocktail lounge. But when they walked through the third door, Terry leading the way and flicking on the fluorescent lights, Derek was dumbfounded by what he saw; a huge, open space, the walls decorated like an African savannah, with pretend bushes, trees, and patches of grass dotting the vast floor space. 

“This place is beautiful,” he breathed in awe.

“You haven’t even seen the best part yet,” laughed Terry. In response, Allen flicked a lever just inside the door and several large holes opened at intervals along the walls. Out of the holes rode small flatbeds on tiny rails that were built into the ground, and on top of the flatbeds rode cardboard cutouts of various prey animals! Makeshift Zebras, Gazelles, and even Pelicans were now moving around the room, and Allen launched into action, springing between the bushes, leaping out from behind rocks, slashing at the cutouts until all of them had been knocked to the floor. Derek stared in shock, but Allen wasn’t finished. He made his way to the back of a room, where a large papier mache Rhino had been stuck to a post on the far wall, and clawed furiously at the effigy until scraps of paper covered the floor and floated ominously in the still air. Allen sat, breathing heavily, at the base of the pretend Rhino and looked back towards the others. Terry and Ross clapped and hollered, whilst Derek just stood, frozen, not knowing what to think.

Ross turned to him. “Isn’t it amazing? I know it’s a lot to take in, but it really is for the best. This was the last project we gathered funding for. Huge success.”

“Don’t feel sorry for the Rhino,” said Allen, who had made his way back to the rest of the group. “Even if it was real, those guys would do the same to us. They hate us. Y’know, both me and Terry lost our wives to Rhinos.”

“It’s a sad truth, women tend to prefer Rhinos in this world,” Terry agreed. “Most of us at this club are divorced, and for the rest it’s usually just a matter of time.”

“It’s important,” continued Allen, “to practice our fighting skills. Just in case.”

“But is this all necessary? I mean, surely we don’t want to hurt anyone. And surely there are some women who prefer their own kind,” Derek asked, concerned. He suddenly felt insecure about his marriage, his job, his place in society. Perhaps Randy’s good nature was just to mock him, or distract him from his true intentions. He did not condone violence, but even as he spoke, he felt a slight pull to try out the hunting grounds, especially as he thought about Rhinos stealing Cheetahs’ wives.

“Of course we don’t want to hurt anyone!” Insisted Terry. “This is what’s necessary to blow off steam. Out in society we have to shop at Antlermart, but in here we get to be our true selves.”

Developments

A few days later, Derek was sitting in his living room after work, enjoying some down time and watching the cheetahball game, when Candace arrived back from her book club. The two of them had not been getting on as well as usual over the last few days. After Derek had told her about the mock hunting grounds at the Cheetah Club, Candace had suggested he stop associating with Terry and the others. Derek had refused. Now, his wife practically stormed into the room, demanding an explanation from him.

“Perry stopped by earlier this afternoon,” she fumed. “He told me your buddies are planning to build the COF right through his neighbourhood! A lot of Pelicans will lose their homes, not to mention the pollution. What’s the deal with that?”

“I don’t know,” said Derek, truthfully. “I haven’t heard anything about that. Must be a new development. Ross is in charge of that, not me.” He turned back to the TV, but Candace did not take the hint that he wanted to be left alone.

“Did you even notice he was absent from work today? You two are supposed to be best friends.”

“Yeah, I suppose he wasn’t there. I just assumed he took the day off. You know how Pelicans are.” At this Candace seemed barely able to keep her composure.

“Derek, you need to go over there right now and talk to your friends. Tell them to rethink the location of the road. You don’t WANT them to build it right through a vulnerable neighbourhood, do you?”

“Fine, I’ll head over there and ask them about it. Maybe it can be built somewhere else.” Derek’s non-committal response earned him a huff from Candace, who barely looked at him as he left the house and got in his car.

“Yeah, it’s true,” said Ross when Derek asked him about the location. “But so what?”

“I just feel like it’s unfair to the Pelicans. Apparently some of them are going to have to have their houses demolished, and it will make the whole neighbourhood noisy. I have a friend who lives there, and he’s a really nice guy.”

“Look, Derek. I know it’s hard to hear, but big projects like this take sacrifice. And let’s remember, none of those Pelicans wanted to pay taxes towards this thing. They’re not on our side. If you have a friend in the neighbourhood, maybe we could arrange for him to have a bigger payout, just on the down-low. How does that sound?”

“I guess that seems fair,” admitted Derek.

“Good. Now cheer up, buddy! We’ve come a long way and it’s all thanks to your brilliant idea!” Ross clapped him on the back, smiling encouragingly at him. “When was the last time a Pelican did something nice for you anyway?” he asked.

Derek said he couldn’t remember.

“See? We don’t owe them a thing. That neighbourhood wasn’t exactly a nice place to live anyway. Maybe they’ll find somewhere better, pick themselves up by the bootstraps. Then again, not many Pelicans are capable of that in my experience.”

Candace

“So you’re going ahead with it,” said Candace, more as a statement than a question.

“Yes.”

“And you didn’t stand up for the Pelicans in that neighbourhood?”

“No. Why should I? We don’t owe them anything. Even Perry was round here talking to my wife behind my back!” Candace froze, looking as if she’d been struck. After a silence, she spoke.

“You’ve changed, Derek. I-” she paused for a moment. “I want a divorce.”