By: Ari Lord
1. Choose the day wisely. Don’t tell them on Sunday because of church. Monday’s no good because they’ll be mulling over the sermon from God’s Day. Tuesday, Dad has prayer circle. Wednesday, Mom has bible study. Your old gran comes for dinner on Thursday, so don’t give her an aneurysm. On Friday, Mom kicks back with a half-glass of wine. Saturday, Mom and Dad are getting pumped for church again, so no.
2. Clean up your partner. Scrub them well with a straight-smelling soap and take out their facial piercings. A long-sleeve blouse or button-up will do wonders at covering tattoos. Train your lover on topics to avoid at supper: inequality, veganism, Beyonce.
3. At supper, tell your parents about all the volunteer work your partner does. Use the term “Christ-like” to describe your lover at least once. Make sure your sister Jennifer is there. Have her bring up all the issues in her hetero marriage during appetizers.
4. Wait to make the big announcement until after dessert. The sluggishness of full bellies will improve crowd control. Say in a soft yet commanding voice: “God doesn’t make mistakes.” Then call your partner your “very special friend” while dramatically slow-winking.
5. Have a Snickers bar ready for your dad and hand the phone to your mom so she can call your aunt Patricia without delay. Grab your partner’s hand and depart, doing a celebratory dance as you move quickly down the street. Don’t glance back, even once.
About the Author
Ari Lord is an emerging writer of introspective fiction themed around queer becoming, healing, and resilience. They have a degree from Trent University and have written in Community Based Research and for community newspaper, radio, and zines. They are studying Creative Writing and working on their first novel.