Milestone by Terri Rimmer

It was Dec. 8 last year when I decided to visit one of my favorite recovery clubs to commemorate 28 years of sobriety.

It had been a long time since I’d been to a meeting and even longer since I’d worked the steps with a sponsor. The last one I had only met with me once, but then I never pushed. I’d worked the steps several times with many sponsors but had been a dry drunk for quite a while.

I originally came into the rooms in Oct. 1988, stayed sober for almost seven years for my sister, who was also in recovery and during that time had experienced much chaos in my life, mostly due to my own actions, only I didn’t see it at the time. When I came back in 1995, I had relapsed three times and this time returned for me.   

I’d been married and divorced in sobriety, lost many people from addictions and other things, dealt with depression, PTSD, anxiety, bipolar disorder, nightmares, flashbacks, counseling, over 75 jobs, had abusive bosses, relationships, gone through cyberbullying, loss of pets, homes, cars, won volunteer and writing awards, faced childhood trauma and my mom’s own alcoholism, and had a child.

But as a sat in this chair last December I simply felt numb. 

I looked over and saw a blonde woman a few years older than me with a smile on her face and a peace about her that I wanted. Our eyes met and she said hi. I told her I was celebrating my birthday and was looking for a new sponsor. She gave me her number and for the first time in a long time I felt hope.

I’ve made more progress with her in the last nine months than I have with any sponsor, and I thought I had worked the steps many times. But the truth was, never thoroughly. Not like this.

This woman got sober in 1987 and never relapsed, but we had so much in common and I wanted what she had.

She taught me that I was powerless over my mom who had been in active addiction since her 30s and was now in her 80s. Of course, I knew that intellectually, but this lady helped me get things from my head to my heart.  I realized deep down that hope is the principle of Step 2. She would have me text her five things I was grateful for at the end of the day and taught me that if I have to say the Serenity Prayer 10-20 times a day then so be it. It seemed like every minute I was having to voice it. I struggled with staying in today but now I’m there. I started sharing in meeting at least three times a week at my sponsor’s suggestion and kept it on topic

I began taking two phone numbers from different ladies in the group and checked on them daily and began praying for people in meetings who irritated me. I was taught to not create more damage and that feeling guilty or ashamed is a choice and that I’d been on a long dry drunk, not practicing the principles. As a reactor, my sponsor helped me see that I could tell the committee in my head to take a break as often as needed. 

I was directed to learn the principles and was led to start reading Chapter 4 in the Big Book (We Agnostics) daily, writing what I identified with about it. As someone with a quick temper, my sponsor taught me that the next time I start to “go off” to pause then tell her if I did it.  

In January doing the Tenth Step nightly became routine, followed by asking my Higher Power for forgiveness, something I’d never done in my sobriety. I had to practice the principle of being honest and asking for a power greater than myself to help me sleep peacefully nightly since I suffered from nightmares since childhood. I had homework for Steps One and Two and wrote what I identified with about them.  

These last nine months have been a true miracle, and I have felt like a newcomer all year but in a good way now. 

I started making amends last month and am starting to feel a freedom I have never felt before though I had made some in the past.

I look forward to being able to pass along what I’ve been taught which cannot adequately be captured in a couple of pages but believe me when I say it has been transforming.